bottled up

ever you feel you are on a way for something but you don't know where ?
that is what on my mind right now.

" when you try your best but you don't succeed, 
  when you get what you want, but not what you need,
  when you feel so tired, but can't sleep,
  stuck in reverse "

#nowplaying one of my favourite song - Fix you by Coldplay.

Now my mind full of things. most of the things are the things that can give big impact to my life. i am so scared that what i answered will definitely changed my whole life. think think and think. then started a phase of 'over-thinking'. cause over-thinking can destroy you. and no one wants a disaster life.

'Life' that is what scared me the most. the future. i kept a lot nowadays, all the unsaid words and feeling. pretend that you okay with something going on with your life is a lot easier than explained it, i think. because there are things are better kept inside and when you want to throw it all up, no one understand it and maybe can get a lot more complicated. the thoughts that probably i can get judged about.

i build all the walls around me, shielding me from being hurt. protect me from all the bad things. insulate me from all the negativity. to clear up the mind. prefer more silent than loud. sometimes in silent we can get to find what we looking for all this while. if i can i want to go to somewhere else where i can be anonymous to everyone. feel up all the empty bottles with all my thoughts and let them be at the sea. i wish i can do that. got something stuck in your life, throw it up, flush it and start something new. then life would be pretty easier.

there will be a point where you get distress with all of that. all human will feel the same way. but then come the savior of your life - family, friends, and the one that really take care of you. a simple 'Are you okay?' really helps a lot. really glad they always there for me. but most of all, the calmness in our heart are from Allah. patience, pray and have faith in Him that makes me can get through. Allah does not burden any soul beyond what it can bear. At the end of the day, we can endure much more than we think we can.

life is a test and we must pass all the test with patience. i will be fine in this world.

so i finally have got my final result. full of relief all those butterflies have gone. although i kinda disappointed towards myself but thankful enough i pass it. Alhamdulillah. maybe this was a test for me from Allah and i accept it. cause this is not the end. i put my trust towards it. and i will rise from this fall. insyaAllah.

'Life is fantastic. Beautiful and tragic, Plain, Classic'